Thursday, June 13, 2013

Nemesis with needles

She's in her 30s, weighs ninety pounds tops, and wear braces. If you meet her in a dark alley, run for your life.

The first time my acupuncturist got hold of me, I wondered if I should call 911 to report battery and assault. It felt as though I'd been beaten with an iron bar. It wasn't the needles, it was her evil massage preceding the needly inserts that broke me.

She wasn't into her survey of my back very long when she said in her broken English, "ooh, very bad." I asked what was bad, but she didn't understand the question. I still don't know what is very bad. Something is for sure very bad though.

When I came back for my second visit, she asked about the bruise on my back and asked what caused it.  She really had to ask? "Um, YOU caused it," I told her. 

I wish she spoke English. I have no idea what she is doing, why, and whether or not I should expect to see results in the near future.

I could speak Chinese to her I suppose. But my current vocabulary is limited to important things in life. Things like "Where is the bathroom?," "I'd like that steak cooked medium well," and "Don't worry, my dog won't bite you." (And that last one is just wishful thinking.) I have no idea how to explain to a doctor in Chinese that my qi is failing to flow through the third meridian of my back. (Anyway, I don't know what it means in English either, I made it up just now with the help of Wikipedia.)

Each time I go back to her office, she asks if I still have pain. Does she mean my original pain? Or does she mean the pain she inflicted during my last visit? 

(Sigh.) She doesn't understand the question.

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P.S. My expectations for her to speak English are based solely on the fact that she works for a medical clinic whose clientele base is composed almost exclusively of English-speaking expats. All the doctors at the clinic speak English except for this one. I would not expect an acupuncturist whose clientele was Chinese, at a Chinese clinic, to speak English. Just wanted to clear that up so you wouldn't think my language expectations were arrogant, ethno-centric and all that. :-)

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